Can Our Lives Get Any More Random?
by Cheesey Goodness
Summary: A crossover between Bartimaeus, Eragon, and Dragonlance! Mostly Bartimaeus. Random things happen that NO ONE can predict! And I mean no one! CONTAINS EXTREME RANDOMNESS! Rated for mild language.
1. Of Man Down And Jelly Doughnuts

**Can Our Lives Get Any More Random?**

**A fanfic about Dragonlance and the Bartimaeus Trilogy where random things happen! **

**Chapter 1: Of Man Down and Jelly Doughnuts**

**Disclaimers: I do not own the Bartimaeus Trilogy, Dragonlance, doughnuts of any kind, or "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire **

Ptolemy: (hops into room) THE DRAGONLANCE IS COMING TO GET US!!!

Bartimaeus: All hands on deck! We're goin' overboard!!! (falls over)

Raistlin: MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!

Dragonlance: (chases Sturm as quickly as a stick can)

Sturm: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I'm being chased by my one true desire!!! HEHE!! (runs out of room)

Suddenly everyone freezes as Tanis walks into the room with a blue spotlight on him.

Tanis: (sits on random stool that appears in the middle of the room) Oh Laurana! Why did you have to let me down! (violins play depressing music in the background)

Sturm runs back into the room.

Sturm: Hey everybody! Come look at what Nathaniel's found!

Tanis: (is even more depressed than he was because his emo moment was ruined)

Everyone except Tanis: (run outside) 

Nathaniel: Check it out! I found a doughnut shop!

Everyone: YAY!!

Bartimaeus: Are they jelly filled? Cuz those are my favorites!

Ptolemy: No those are my favorites! I thought you were my friend! I HATE YOU!

Bartimaeus: NOOO! MY ONE DECENT MASTER HATES ME! NOOOOOOO! Ptolemy! I can change my favorite doughnut! JUST BE MY FRIEND!!!

Raistlin and Sturm: (are very much confused and just stand and stare)

Tasslehoff: I stole some doughnuts! COME AND GET EM!

Everyone: (stops fighting and eats doughnuts)

Bartimaeus: (reaches for last jelly filled doughnut)

Ptolemy: (reaches for last jelly filled doughnut)

Both: (death glare at the other)

Everyone: GASP!

That weird dramatic music they play on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"  
when they start a new question plays and a ridiculous amount of spotlights come on but only one lands directly on the two jelly doughnut lovers.

Bartimaeus: It's mine! I'm the loving djinni who does everything you say!

Ptolemy: Exactly! So I can just tell you to give it to me. But would I really do that to you???

Bartimaeus: (looks around nervously as sweat drips off his nose)  
Bartimaeus: ...No? 

Ptolemy: Is that your final answer?

Bartimaeus: ...Yes?...please???

Ptolemy: I'm sorry but that's...CORRECT!!!

Confetti flutters down from out of no where.

Bartimaeus: YAY!!!(does a little victory dance)

They hugged (just as friends! Don't get any ideas about them being...gulp...gay...CUZ THEYRE NOT!!).

Bartimaeus: (looks around for doughnut) WHERE'D IT GO!?

Dragonlance crew: (look at Tasslehoff)

Tasslehoff: (is turned around bent over something making sounds that were a lot like "Mmmm...now that's a good doughnut...")

Bartimaeus: WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY DOUGHNUT YOU LITTLE CREEP!?

Tasslehoff turned around and dropped the doughnut.

Tasslehoff: It fell into my pouch! I didn't steal it! DON'T EAT MEEE!!! (runs away)

Bartimaeus: (turns into a bird and follows Tas) COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SON OF A KENDER!!

Everyone else: (stare after them)

Raistlin: Hmm...I don't think I've ever seen a kender run that fast...

Ptolemy: Well then you've never seen one being chased by a djinni before.

**Thanks for reading!!! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I wrote this entirely off the top of my head...It was originally in a PM I sent to my friend. REVIEEW! Or I shall get Bartimaeus to chase you.**

**Bartimaeus: (cracks knuckles) MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!**

**Me: MUAHAHAHAHA!!**

**Both: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!...REVIEEEW!**


	2. May Contain Almonds

**Can Our Lives Get Any More Random?**

**Chapter 2: May Contain Almonds**

**Disclaimers: I do NOT own the Bartimaeus Trilogy or Dragonlance...although I will once I figure out how to buy the ownership on eBay...ahem...I don't own almond pie either, nor do I want to. Almonds taste baaaad! I don't own pi...the math term...I hate math more than I hate almonds! I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING! 'Cept myself (But I'm not in the fic so it doesn't matter.) And the idea of this fanfic! **

**Characters so far:**

**Dragonlance**

**Raistlin**

**Tanis**

**Caramon**

**Tasslehoff (Tas)**

**Sturm**

**Bartimaeus Trilogy**

**Bartimaeus**

**Ptolemy**

**Kitty**

**Nathaniel**

Bartimaeus: (chases Tas)

Tas: YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!!

Bartimaeus: (turns into eagle) (catches Tas)

Tas: NOOO!!!

Everyone else: sweatdrops

Raistlin: (randomly pops out of nowhere) I found pie!!

Sturm: Pi? Why would I want pi?

Kitty: No idiot! Pie!

Nathaniel: Oh! Pi?

Ptolemy: NO! PIE Pie!

Tanis: Yeah! Pi!

Bartimaeus came back from chasing Tas.

Bartimaeus: NO!! PI I I I IE!! Not pi!

Caramon: AAAHH! NO! NOT MATH! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Raistlin: Not math, fool! P- nevermind...

As the "un-smart anti-mathateers" argue about what numbers come after 3.14 in pi...

Raistlin, Bartimaeus, Kitty, and Ptolemy: (Find a secret stash of pie)

Raistlin: Let us not let those fools have any!

Kitty and Ptolemy: YEAH!

Bartimaeus: Ok...But wait! I have a better idea!

Muahahahahaha...

The "un-smart anti-mathateers", as they will now be known as, were debating if 3.14 were really the first numbers of pi when the "smart people", as they will never be known as again, snuck back to join the rest of their companions.

Raistlin: Ready?

Bartimaeus: Set!

Kitty: G- no you're not!

Bartimaeus: Yeah I am!

Ptolemy: GO!

The "un-smart anti-mathateers" were then pied.

Raistlin: That kind of pie.

The "un-smart anti-mathateers": Oh...

Bartimaeus: coughunsmartantimathateerscough

**Translated to: cough un-smart anti-mathateers cough**

Caramon: AAAHH! MATH! ON MY FACE!! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

Everyone: (rolls eyes)

Tanis: (licks lips) Mmmmm...Almond pie...

Nathaniel: ALMONDS!? I want an almond pie!

Raistlin: (pulls one out from behind his back and pies Nat) There ya go!

Nathaniel: (takes a finger a wipes some off his cheek)

Tanis: (does the same)

Nathaniel: (licks finger) EEEWW! What's that!?

Ptolemy: I believe it's a sticker.

Nathaniel: Can you read it?

Ptolemy: I'm not touching anything you've licked!

Bartimaeus: Damn straight!

Kitty: Hehe...

Caramon: Hehe...

Kitty: What're you laughing at!?

Caramon: I dunno...

Nathaniel: (licks the pie off the sticker) Wait! I can read it now!

Sturm: Don't tell us that! Just do it!

Nathaniel: OK, OK! Sheesh... It says...**May Contain Almonds**

Tanis: Is that all?

Nathaniel: Yep. May contain almonds...

Kitty: But, it's an _almond_ pie! It's going to have almonds in it!

Ptolemy: Yeah...That's like putting a sticker on peanut butter that says **May Contain Peanuts**!

Tas pops out of no where.

Tas: I have some peanut butter!

Everyone: (rolls eyes)

Tas: (pulls peanut butter out of one of his pouches) **(don't ask me why it was there though!)**

Raistlin: Give me that! (Looks for sticker) Wow. Would you take a look at that.

Ptolemy: (looks at whatever Raist was showing him) Haha...It looks like my simile was correct!...Haha...simile...

Nathaniel: Why? What's it say?

Raistlin: May contain peanuts...

**Short chapter! But short is sometimes good! YAYZ! REVIEEEW!!**


	3. Of Pillow Fights and Random Nights

**Can Our Lives Get Any More Random?**

**Chapter 3: Of Pillow Fights and Random Nights**

**Disclaimers: I do not own the Bartimaeus Trilogy, Eragon, random quotes from Muffin Films, or Dragonlance. If I did...Sturm would have died earlier! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Um...if you didn't know he dies...I am truly sorry...**

**OH YAH! Just to tell ya...This takes place on Thanksgiving...but of course our beloved characters do not know that...they're in America...They are confused! More characters will be added!!**

Bartimaeus: (knocks on random door)

Raistlin: They aren't just going to let...uh...1, 2, 5...9 people they don't even know into their house.

Bartimaeus: Oh yes they will. (Turns into a certain dinosaur...named Barney...(shudders))

Nathaniel: (shudders) That'll scare them...I guarantee it.

Random people: (open door) Hellooo!!

Bartimaeus: Rawr.

Random people: HOLY SHIT!! BARNEY!! EVERYONE! EVACUATE, EVACUATE!!

The people in the house (which there seemed to be a lot of) started running around in confused circles. Until they all ran into each other, falling to the ground causing the Earth to shake from the impact. (hey it was Thanksgiving. People eat on Thanksgiving...a lot. And they were pretty fat from the start too.)

Raistlin: Hurry up and dispose of the evidence!

Bartimaeus: (changes into a Roc (giant bird)) I'll fly them into the Grand Canyon. Be back in 3 hours!! (Picks up people and flies them to the Grand Canyon.)

Tanis: I'm guessing the Grand Canyon is far away am I right?

Kitty: I guess... I'm pretty sure we're in America somewhere...

Ptolemy: Yep! I think we're in...uh...Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Kitty: How'd you figure that out?

Nathaniel: The GPS in my pocket. (pulls out random GPS)

Kitty: Where'd you get that!?

Nathaniel: I'm rich remember.

Kitty: (mockingly) Damn! I'm so rich! Check out my moolah!

Nathaniel: Shut up! You're just jealous!

Kitty: Yeah, as if I want to be a stuck-up magician!

Nathaniel: Oh! You take that back!

Sturm: (stands between Nat and Kitty) Stop fighting, kiddies! You're gonna scare the poor, helpless alley cats over in that random alley!

Kitty and Nat: KIDDIES, EH!?

Sturm: Uh...no...I didn't mean that! AAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (faints)

Raistlin: Um...Why are we still standing outside? It's been almost fifteen minutes!

Tasslehoff: YAY!!

Caramon: I think Tasslehoff is a little sugar high from the pie...and doughnuts...

Tanis: Wonderful! A sugar happy kender! This is just great.

Ptolemy: (comes out of house) Hey, you know there's food in here.

Everyone froze in mid argument and ran inside. What they found was a whole Thanksgiving feast.

Everyone: FOOOOOD!!

3 hours later...

Bartimaeus: I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK!

Sturm: Want some food? (pulls out a leg bone from the turkey) Oops...hehe...None left!

Bartimaeus: That's why I'm really glad I don't have to eat!

Tanis: But you ate those doughnuts.

Bartimaeus: I don't HAVE to eat...I just choose to sometimes...

Nathaniel: I thought you said eating human food gives you indigestion.

Bartimaeus: No. I just said that so you wouldn't try to feed me anything!

Nathaniel: ...

Ptolemy: So...Now that we've taken over this defenseless house...LET US TAKE OVER ANOTHER!!

Everyone: HUZZAH!!

Five minutes later...

The Companions arrived at a random house on a random street with lots of random houses on it. The house had lots of multi-colored lights on the trees in front of it.

Nathaniel: Wow. Those people decorated way too early.

Caramon: Decorated for what?

Everyone: (facepalm)

Ptolemy: Well...What are we waiting for? LET'S GO KILL THEM!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Everyone: ...

Ptolemy: Ahem...I mean...Let's go knock on the door and scare them away...yeah...hehe!

Everyone: (mumbles)

Tanis: Yeah...You should turn into the weird purple thingy again!

Bartimaeus: I don't know of anything scarier!

Raistlin: We shall take over this house, and squash its inhabitants like ants on a tuna dish!

Everyone: Yes we verily shall!

Everyone: (runs to house)

Bartimaeus: (turns into Barney and knocks on door)

A girl who looked to be 12 or 13 (that's me!!) opened the door. She appeared to be by herself.

Girl: Uh...What a...pleasant...surprise...

Bartimaeus: Rawr. I am Barney. I LOOOOVE YOOOOOOOU!

Girl: That's nice...So you wanna come in or not?

Everyone: Uh...

Ptolemy: She doesn't seem scared at all!

Tanis: Really?! What was your first clue?

Ptolemy: Shut up!

Girl: Stop muttering to yourself! Ya know, it's the first sign of insanity...

Bartimaeus: (turns into a gargoyle)

Girl: Ah...Bartimaeus! And yes just to answer all of your questions; I know who all of you are!

Everyone: ...

Girl: Yeah I know...I'm maaaaagical...ahem...Well, my name's Stephanie.

Everyone: ...

Stephanie: ...Well since you're all in a state of shock I'll just invite you inside... (Pushes everyone inside)

Everyone sat down and seemed to calm down a bit after Stephanie told the amazing story of how they are in books blah blah blah... Untiiiil...

Knock Knock

Stephanie: Well would ya look at that! More random people from more random books!!

Random people from random book: ...

**Random people include...**

**Eragon**

**Murtagh**

**Arya**

**Nasuada**

**Orik**

Stephanie: (tells famous aforementioned story)

Eragon: Riiiiiight...So how did we get here? And where's Saphira?!

Stephanie: I don't know, and I don't know!

Eragon: (points at Murtagh) YOU DID THIS YOU TRAITOR!!

Murtagh: F you!

Eragon: (grabs pillow) THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF YOU!! (hits Murtagh with pillow)

Murtagh: OMFG! IT'S A FRIGGIN PILLOW!! (grabs another pillow and hits Eragon with it)

Arya: Men...

Orik: CHICKEN?? WHERE!?

Nasuada: Shut up Orik!

Eragon: (hits Murtagh) Traitor!

Murtagh: (hits Eragon) LOSER!

Eragon: (hits Murtagh) IDIOT!

Murtagh: (hits Eragon) EMO!

Eragon: (hits Murtagh) (gasp) TAKE THAT BACK!

Murtagh: (hits Eragon till he falls over) NEVEEEEEEEEER!

Everyone: (sweatdrops)

Bartimaeus: Okaaaaaaaaay...This is really random...

Stephanie: HAHAHAHAHAHA! OMFG! I never thought I would see two riders who also happen to be brothers beating the crap out of each other with pillows! THIS ROCKS! I love my life...

Tanis: I'm confused...

Raistlin: Foolish mortal...You're always confused!

Tanis: AM NOT! (looks at pillow)

Stephanie: Whoa...Let's not go there!

Screaming filled the house as every character found something to fight about.

Stephanie: (shrugs) (sits down and pulls out a laptop)

Tasslehoff: CANDY!! (goes to random bowl of Halloween candy)

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Stephanie: Oh shit...

**And that is the end of this amazing pillow infested chapter! I hope you liked it! And yes...The awesome characters of Eragon shall never leave!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! (I need to add that to the summary) YAY! And also, I'm not going to be in the fic for much longer as it makes it have more of a plot! (that's not good in case you were wondering) Review!!**

**Bartimaeus: I'm too mature to get into pillow fights!!**

**Me: NO YOU'RE NOT! Now shut up and tell the nice people to review!**

**Bartimaeus: AM NOT! I prefer using detonations and things like that!...**

**Me: Annnnd?**

**Bartimaeus: And what?**

**Me: ANNNNNNNND??!!**

**Bartimaeus: Uh...OH! Heh heh...um...Review!!**


	4. Traveling Through Dimensions

**Can Our Lives Get Any More Random?**

**Chapter 4: Traveling Through Dimensions**

**Disclaimer: Look...All who think I own anything (other than myself) raise your hand now...**

**(multiple people raise their hands including my friend Lizzie)**

**You people all get to go to a physiatrist...FREE! (notices Lizzie) LIZZIE! Why are YOU raising your hand?!**

**Lizzie: Cuz you own a lot of stuff! Your iPod, you cell phone, your HOUSE!...the list goes on and on...**

**(facepalm) JUST IN THE STORY YOU IDIOT!**

**Lizzie: ...Oh...**

**Therefore I do not own anything!**

Tas: CANDY, CANDY, CANDY!!

Murtagh: Is it bad that that..._thing_ gets candy?

Tanis: Yes...very VERY bad...

Bartimaeus: (walks oven to Tas) Whisper whisper...

Tas: (stops and turns around smiling) No...More...Candy...candy...ca-BEEP! (robot voice)

Nathaniel: What'd you do to him?

Bartimaeus: He will always obey us from now on.

Everyone cept Eragon crew: Wow...

Eragon crew: ...Um...Do I want to know?

Stephanie: No...

Suddenly everyone(other than Steph) disappeared.

Stephanie: Damn!...I wanted them to stay...

* * *

They reappear in a forest. 

Ptolemy: Where are we?

Nathaniel: Now why would you ask such a stupid question!? We are obviously in the world of...DUN DUN DUUUUNN! MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL!!

I don't own that!!

Everyone: GASPETH!

Everyone (except Barty) : (suddenly acquire coconuts and gallop around like they're on horses using the coconuts to make the sound effects)

Bartimaeus: Right...So why are you doing this?

Eragon: I dunno...I just suddenly had the impulse to gallop around as if I'm riding a horse!

Caramon: Don't we all sometimes... (stares into space)

Everyone: (stop galloping)

Knights of Ni: (appear)

Lead Knight of Ni: (in his speshul falsetto voice) We are the Knights who saaaaay...NI!

Everyone:...

Suddenly they all disappeared again.

* * *

They appeared in London. 

Raistlin: And now it's my turn to ask...Where in the Abyss are we?!

Kitty: London.

Faquarl: (pops out of nowhere) Boo...

Bartimaeus: Faquarl! But I thought you were dead!!

Faquarl: (examines people traveling through dimensions with Barty) I thought all of these people were dead!

Kitty: Hey! I don't die!

Nathaniel: I remember you! You're...Freckle right?

Frec-I mean-Faquarl: (eye twitch) What did you just call me?!?!

Bartimaeus: Heh...This'll be good...

Nathaniel: I called you Freckle! That's your name right?

Faquarl: RAAAWR! (kills Nat...In a manner of speaking of course!)

Nathaniel: ...Ow...

Faquarl: Humph...

Nathaniel: (stands up) Now that that horrific incident of terror is over...Let's go get some cake! (walks away, whistling cheerfully)

Bartimaeus: What'd you do to him?

Faquarl: Same thing you did to him (points to Tas) except more violent! (twitch)

Tasslehoff: No...no...more...CANDY! AAAAAAAAAAAHH! (faints)

Faquarl: OK...Maybe a little less violent...

Bartimaeus: ...Heh heh...yeah...

Nasuada: You know what would be really nice right now?

Arya: ...Do I want to know?

Nasuada: ...Maybe...

Arya: Then no!

Orik: I do! Oooooooohh! PICK ME!!

Murtagh: Shut up, Orik! God, you're annoying.

Nasuada: I agree.

Murtagh: Really?

Nasuada: ...Yeah...

Bartimaeus: Don't get all lovey-dovey on me now! People these days...

Eragon: That reminds me! I LOVE YOU ARYA!!

Arya: (death glare)

Eragon: (cowering) I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm soooooo sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!

Arya: Shut up!

Nathaniel: OMFG! Jane's in town-

Bartimaeus: If you say one more word...I swear I'll...

Faquarl: What are you going to do? Go gargoyle on their asses?

Bartimaeus: (turns into gargoyle) Yes! Thanks for the idea!

Faquarl: (sigh)

Bartimaeus: Rawr.

Ptolemy: Um...I just realized...that I died a long time ago...and have no idea why I'm here now!

Bartimaeus: Shut up! I'm TRYING to glare at these people- what?!

Ptolemy: I said-

Bartimaeus: I heard what you said. I just realized...that you're right!

Ptolemy: And-

Bartimaeus: And I don't care!

Ptolemy: (runs away crying)

Kitty: I thought you were quite depressed that he died.

Bartimaeus: OMG! I WAS! (runs after Ptolemy)

Everyone: ...

**YAYZ! Note that the characters are VERY OC!! Sorry that was so short...I needed to get me out of it cuz I added more of a plot! (which isn't good in case you didn't know) Thanks for reading! Please review! I only have 5 reviews for the whooole fic!! OH NO!! ahem...anyways!**

**Bartimaeus: Review or I'll go gargoyle on your ass!!**


End file.
